I don't get on here much anymore... just reading over my entries, GEEZ! lol. But it really was a rough year for me last year i am so happy that part of my life is over. I am FINALLY happy again. I met the man of my dreams; everything i have been hoping & praying for! Thanking God EVERY day for my new life.

Attack my health, and I can recover. Attack my job or finances, and I can find a way to pull through. Attack my pride and I grow thicker skin.

But wound my heart, and you leave me devastated.

Few things in this world hurt like a broken heart. It's the blow that you never see coming: a longtime friend turns their back on you. Someone you love rejects you. Somebody you've let into the deepest, most private corners of your heart says or does something to hurt you where you're most vulnerable.

Maybe somebody hurt you out of spite, and you're reeling from the betrayal. Or maybe a heart-wrenching breakup or the loss of a loved one has you feeling empty and alone.

Painful as it is, the broken heart is here to stay. It's part of being human, and it's a sometimes bitter reminder of how important our relationships are to us. Our need to connect with other people is hardwired into us. And that's the heart of the problem--we're forming relationships with people, who sometimes make mistakes, act cruelly, or just go away.

So is the solution to avoid other people altogether, to harden our hearts against relationships that might disappoint or hurt us? Are we willing to throw out the joy that relationships can bring to avoid the possibility of pain down the road? Is it possible to experience love without the fear of loss and hurt, without the fear that we'll be let down in the end?

That's the heart of the question, isn't it? So what's the answer?

I'm sorry, i am sure no one really wants to listen to me whine & complain but i REALLY need to get this shit out of my system!!

I met a guy this Spring, John, well i knew him when we were kids. We dated for a little bit when we were young, like 23 years ago. Awww, i know, it IS cute... how do you think i feel?!?!

We talked online first & got to know each other a little, went out on a date & well, i just fell in love with him soon there after. He had turned out to be such a wonderful man; raised his son on his own, has a great career, priorities, can hold a nice conversation, fun, sweet, cute, i could go on & on. I couldn't help but not to. All the pieces of the puzzle seemed to fit. Not to mention that when we kiss it is like... UNREAL, there are no words & the sex is INCREDIBLE, OMG!! When he looked in to my eyes it just made me melt no lie. Not just the chemistry, he just really impressed me which is no small feat; not that i think i'm all that but it takes a lot for me to respect a man now-a-days. He is really great!!

Fast forward to now... September... i was at work... just went back to work after having the summer off... i made a joke in a text then when i called him & talked about it he was not too responsive so i was joking saying "baby, do you need a break" meaning from me... and he said "maybe"... NOT NO!! MAYBE... while i was at work.

I could not work the rest of that shift i can promise you that. I couldn't stop crying, it was a nightmare shift! The second i got out of there i called him to ask him what he had to say to me. Of course he dumped me... ON THE PHONE. I am 35-years-old & not only have i never been dumped (i'm usually the dumper) it was over the phone. I have a real problem with that.

There are a couple things that have happened between us that i just could not possible say here (sorry, i hate that, to leave anyone hanging) but it is AWFUL. I did something for him that i would NEVER do in a million years or longer, and i am HURTING over it, but i did it for him... i did it because i love him & i could never see him hurting & that's what it would have done.

I had someone die in my family unexpectedly & i still think everyday how we never got the chance to say goodbye... this feels exactly the same. I mean even if this guy does not feel the same about me (and yes! he made it abundantly clear he doesn't) doesn't he have a heart! After all we had gone through at least think of me. I could never hurt someone like that. Did he even think about what that might do to me beforehand?? I know telling someone you don't love them or want them is not fun... or easy... but shouldn't you at least respect that person enough to tell them to their face! I am devastated over the fact that i never even got to say goodbye to him... not on the phone.

So i really need to get this out right here, what i would have said to him if he had told me to my face was this, this is my Goodbye:

"I'm sorry it didn't work out & I wish you nothing but the best." (I would just hug him & kiss him, look in to his eyes) "I Love You Baby!! Goodbye." Maybe a tear if i couldn't help it, but i would let him go. It could have been that easy! Maybe we could have even been friends again one day. I will never know now. It's so sad to me. I just should have been given the chance to say goodbye, it's just not right. Do you know how hard it is to move on when you didn't even say goodbye!!

It just ended all wrong & i am very hurt over this man. I treated him kindly & was nothing but nice to him. I didn't deserve this. JUST NOT OVER THE PHONE, COMON!!

Sorry to throw all of my mess out there but i just had to get it out. I'm usually the one who gives all the advice but right now i sure could use some.